Jokes

It's hard to enjoy jokes when you have a poor command of English like me...

All jokes below from Ultimate Jokes Collection..

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What Is In Your Ear?

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ‘”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

suppository - a solid, conical mass of medicinal substance that melts upon insertion into the rectum or vagina

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Never Tap Your Taxi Driver’s Shoulder

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’

hearse - a vehicle for conveying a dead person to the place of burial

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I still like simple jokes like this...

Ever Wonder What Raul, Ronaldo or Beckham Has For Lunch?

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid’s canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said; “Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off the top of the stadium.”

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

Beckham opened his lunch and said, “Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & cheese sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas, ran to the top of the stadium and jumped off. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and also ran to the top of the Stadium and jumped. Beckham opened his lunch, saw the ham & Cheese and followed his two team mates. The three, seriously injured players, were rushed to hospital where their wives rushed to join them…

Raul’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!”

Ronaldo’s wife also weeping, said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at Posh.

“Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch!”